1. Despite what you might think, Eurovision is definitely cool. We’re staying in to watch it. With a cup of tea. No going out or boozing or socialising or having fun for us. Nope.
3. You’ll also get a good insight in to how much everyone in Europe (deservedly) hates the UK.
4. Seriously, we could send a resurrected John Lennon to Eurovision to sing a song so good, God himself would weep, and we’d still end up in the bottom half of the table.
5. Europeans are funny.
6. Scott Mills is emphatically not.
7. Anyone entering a serious song is clearly doing it wrong.
8. Despite having a reputation for being a bit dour, the Germans do funny pretty well, bless them. Wadde Hadde Dude Da? Ja!
9. Eurovision’s one of the few competitions where coming last and scoring absolutely nothing is arguably better than winning.
10. Britain achieved this very thing 11 years ago. It’s this generation’s equivalent of the 1966 World Cup really. Just what does that say about Britain these days eh?
11. Look at the performance here, it’s stunning. They’re basically singing a different tune.
12. Graham Norton’s ok, but Terry Wogan was miles better at being charmingly condescending towards our European compatriots.
13. Here’s the thing, the songs can be genuinely good. Serge Gainsbourg (a great great man, who once told Whitney Houston he ‘wanted to f*** her’ on live TV) wrote a banger called Poupée de cire, poupée de son. It won.
14. Serge wrote a song for the same singer called Les Sucettes, which had lots of lyrics about sucking lollipops. Serge was a dirty old bugger though, so you can guess what he was really driving at. The singer France Gall was mortified when she found out.
15. Even the crap songs can be reworked into good ones.
16. Jedward don’t need to be reworked though, because they’re Jedward, and absolutely perfect.
17. Eurovision will be good training for the World Cup, as it’s a good excuse to be outrageously xenophobic for a month.
18. Russia probably won’t win.
19. They should have won when TatU entered years ago.
20. Have lots of drinks at the ready.